TORAHFIEDn. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.
SANTA-SHMANTAn. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.
MATZILATIONv. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BUBBEGUMn. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.
CHUTZPAPAn. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.
DEJA NUn. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.
DISORIYENTAn. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.
HEBORTvb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah.
JEWDOn. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.
MAMATZAH BALLSn. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MISHPOCHADOTSn. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a
RE-SHTETLEMENTn. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.
ROSH HASHANA-NA-NAn. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFULn. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
DIS-KVELLIFIEDvb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In
extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.
IMPASTAn. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.
KINDERS SHLEPv. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
SHOFARSOGUTn. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.
“Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. “I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.”
“Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.”
“Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 101.”
“Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to
profit from another man’s mistakes?”
“No Morris, a man should not profit from
another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi.
“Are you sure, Rabbi?”
“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive”
exclaimed the Rabbi
“Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about
returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my
A man was heading out of the synagogue one day,
and as always the rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the
congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed the man by the hand, pulled him aside
and said “You need to join the Army of God!”
The man said, “I’m already in the Army of God,
The Rabbi questioned, “How come I don’t see you
except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”
The man whispered back, “I’m in the secret
Sam is shouting at his wife, Becky.
“Oh no, not another new dress and
accessories.Just where do you think I am going
to get the money to pay for it all?”
Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different
things to many people, but I’m certainly not inquisitive!”
It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant
“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.
Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to
stomp on a wine glass?
A: Because it’s the last time he’ll ever put his
Jewish Marriage Advice:
“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave
Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But
A German man comes to London and stays with Maurice Cohen and his
The first morning they all have breakfast
together and have bagels.
The German says “Wow we don’t have bagels like
this in Germany.”
To which Maurice stands up and says “And whose
fault is that?”