185 N. Mountain Ave Ashland, OR 97520 541.488.7716

Gallery of Jewish Jokes

New Jewish Words:

TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one’s lines when called to read from the Torah at one’s Bar or Bat mitzvah.Howie_Hal_Purim

SANTA-SHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for why they celebrate Hanukah while the rest of the neighbors celebrate Christmas.

MATZILATION v. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

BUBBEGUM n. Candy one’s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby’s diaper.

DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you’ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother’s face but not knowing exactly when.

DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes.

HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one’s Bar Mitzvah.

JEWDO n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one’s way out of a tight spot.

MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.

MISHPOCHADOTS n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one’s face and collar after kissing all one’s aunts and cousins at a
reception.

RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in the same condo building as you.

ROSH HASHANA-NA-NA n. A rock ‘n roll band from Brooklyn.

FEELAWFUL n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.

DIS-KVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. In
extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv’s son, David, is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.

IMPASTA n. A Jew who starts eating leavened foods before the end of Passover.

KINDERS SHLEP v. To transport other kids in your car besides yours.

SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

Jewish Personals:

Attractive Jewish woman, 35, college graduate, seeks successful Jewish Prince Charming to get me out of my parents’ house. POB46.”

“Shul Gabbai, 36. I take out the Torah Saturday morning. Would like to take you out Saturday night. Please write. POB 81.”

“Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.”

“Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbat candles, celebrate holidays, build Succah together,attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important. POB 658.”

“Orthodox woman with get, seeks man who got get, or can get get. Get it? I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours. POB 72.”

“Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.”

“Worried about in-law meddling? I’m an orphan! Write. POB 74.”

“Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.” “Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please POB 56.”

“Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.”

“Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.”

“Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good. “I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.”

“Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.”

“Desperately seeking shmoozing! Retired senior citizen desires female companion 70+ for kvetching, kvelling, and krechtzing. Under 30 is also OK. POB 101.”

 _____________________________________________________________________________

Have You Heard the One About…

Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice.

“Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to
profit from another man’s mistakes?”

“No Morris, a man should not profit from
another’s man mistakes” answered the rabbi.

“Are you sure, Rabbi?”

“Of course, I’m sure, in fact I’m positive”
exclaimed the Rabbi

“Ok, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about
returning the two hundred dollars I gave you for marrying me to my
wife.?”

A man was heading out of the synagogue one day,
and as always the rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the
congregation departed. The rabbi grabbed the man by the hand, pulled him aside
and said “You need to join the Army of God!”

The man said, “I’m already in the Army of God,
Rabbi.”

The Rabbi questioned, “How come I don’t see you
except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?”

The man whispered back, “I’m in the secret
service.”

Sam is shouting at his wife, Becky.

“Oh no, not another new dress and
accessories.
Just where do you think I am going
to get the money to pay for it all?”

Becky replies, “I may be a lot of different
things to many people, but I’m certainly not inquisitive!”

It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant
asked Moishe.

“What are my choices?” Moishe asked.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

Q: Why is it so important for the groom at a Jewish wedding to
stomp on a wine glass?

A: Because it’s the last time he’ll ever put his
foot down.

Jewish Marriage Advice:

“Don’t marry a beautiful person. They may leave
you.

Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But
who cares?”

A German man comes to London and stays with Maurice Cohen and his
family.

The first morning they all have breakfast
together and have bagels.

The German says “Wow we don’t have bagels like
this in Germany.”

To which Maurice stands up and says “And whose
fault is that?”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

Jewish Buddhism

From Zen Judaism: For You a Little Enlightenment (Harmony Books, 2002, hardcover, 112 pages, ISBN 060961021X), copyright David M. Bader 2002

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl. Unless, of course, you have the closet space.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo. Learn of the kugel from the kugel.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single oy.

If you wish to know The Way, don’t ask for directions. Argue.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao is not Jewish.

Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second satisfaction. With the third, Danish.directions

The Buddha taught that one should practice lovingkindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?

Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster.

In nature, there is no good or bad, better or worse. The wind may blow or not. The flowering branch grows long or short. Do not judge or prefer. Ask only, “Is it good or bad for the Jews?”

To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.